The Hardest Word to Learn (Matthew 18:21-22)

Introduction

You can learn a lot of words at church. What’s printed in the bulletin before you is called “liturgy.” That word means “the work of the people.” Instead of professional priests or clergy praying and doing it all, as we worship we do that good work together.

Next, incarnation is the belief that Jesus, the Son of God, took on flesh. We think about that a lot during Advent, which is another word we learn about. Benediction in Latin is a combination of two words meaning “to speak well” or “a good saying.”

There’s another word we talk a lot about at church, but it’s the hardest word to learn. That word is “forgive.”

We say that God forgives us or that we need to forgive others, but, y’all, forgiving others is hard.

The Analogy of Forgiveness – Debts

Every Sunday, we pray the Lord’s Prayer, and in it, Jesus opens our minds to our relationships by urging us to say, “God . . . forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” Have you ever wondered why Jesus uses debts, that image from finance?

In banking, you have a checking account and I have a checking account. For me to deposit to you requires a transaction. But that’s not how relationships work—or at least, good relationships don’t work like that.

Relationships are more like a joint account. When you and someone else enter into a relationship, you open that account together. Every act of kindness, thoughtfulness, and love is a deposit. You remember their birthday—deposit. You send a text checking in on them—deposit. You ask about their day and genuinely listen—deposit. Over time, you build up something far more valuable than money—trust, love, and goodwill.

But then, something happens. A betrayal, a harsh word, neglect, or some other negative action—suddenly, a withdrawal is made. And if the account is rich in love and trust, sometimes that withdrawal can be absorbed without much notice. “She’s been there for me. This is out of the ordinary. I can forgive this debt. We’ve built up enough trust, love, and concern over the years that I can forgive this.”

Do you see this? Does this make sense so far?

Some things are not biggies. They hurt and bring disappointment, but we can easily move past it.

But what happens when the withdrawal is massive? What happens when the hurt is so deep that the account is emptied, or worse, over-drafted? Or have there been withdrawals time and again with little to no deposits of concern or care?  

That’s when we’re faced with a dilemma: What do we do with the debt?

What do we do with the debt? That’s what Jesus is getting at in the Lord’s Prayer.

Our first instinct is often payback. I’m going to do to you what you did to me. We often say, “I’m going to make you pay for what you did.”

But what we need to remember is that we do not have two different accounts. We have one account – mine and yours together. So, just like I do good and make a deposit into our relationship, if I harm or hurt you by word or deed, I make a withdrawal from ONE account.

So, we can think that we are going to balance the scales, but that’s misguided. If you retaliate in kind, if you seek retribution, you never get even. You only create more debt, more harm, more pain.

You never get even through retaliation or payback. You only make the relationship poorer. Violence begets violence. Harm produces more harm.

So, what do we do? The only way out is to remove the cycle of retribution from circulation. And that’s where forgiveness comes in.

The Pain of Forgiveness

Here’s the hard truth: forgiveness means absorbing the debt yourself. It means taking the hit and not seeking vengeance. And that is painful. Forgiveness is voluntarily agreeing to absorb the debt of hurt emotionally and not seeking vengeance to make them pay.

That’s why forgiveness is hard. Because absorbing a debt that isn’t yours to begin with goes against everything in us. But Jesus teaches us that it’s the only way forward.

Hesitations to Forgiveness

Each of us has our own journey of forgiveness. And we all have our particular hesitations. We know it will ultimately be a blessing, but it feels like a burden.

Sometimes you need time to get to a place where you can forgive. That’s okay.

If that is you, Jesus is your friend and your Christ—your deliverer. He will help you through the bitterness, anger, and pain of being stuck. Because when we carry the cross of forgiveness, Jesus enters our suffering with us. From His own cross, He prayed, “Father, forgive them” (Luke 23:34). He was saying, I wish them no harm. I refuse to retaliate. And he can help us get to that place where we wish them no harm. 

That is the root of forgiveness—absorbing the hurt and refusing to hurt back.

The Passage in Context

In Matthew 18, Jesus is teaching his disciples how to live with others. Peter, eager to apply the lesson, asks, “So, I should forgive someone seven times, right?” Seven, after all, symbolizes completeness. Do it and you are done, right?

But Jesus answers, “Not seven times, but seventy times seven.”

In other words, forgiveness isn’t a one-time act. It’s a process. You might have to forgive someone a hundred times over. Every time the pain resurfaces, every time the memory returns, you may have to pray again, “Lord, I don’t want to hate them. I don’t want to retaliate. Help me to absorb this cost.”

It’s difficult.

Struggling to forgive doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a hurt person. And hurts take time and energy to heal. And God will help transform the hurt into healing over time. You can cut yourself free from that burden through the gift of forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

Let’s clear up some misunderstandings about forgiveness.

1. Forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook.

We think, “If I forgive, then I’m saying it was no big deal. I’m letting them off the hook. I’m saying there should be no consequences.”

No. Forgiveness does not mean declaring them innocent. True forgiveness names the wrong and calls it what it is. It doesn’t minimize sin. Instead, it says, “What you did to me was wrong. I didn’t deserve it. But I refuse to make you pay through vengeance.”

Letting someone off the hook for hurt, offends our sense of justice. In some matters, there may be criminal or legal outcomes that are necessary. You can seek justice and still forgive.  

Instead of bothering our sense of justice, forgiveness satisfies it because it recognizes wrong for wrong but doesn’t require you to be a victim and just get over it. 

2. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.

Some believe that if they forgive, the relationship must stay the same. “If God forgives me and reconciles with me, then shouldn’t I do the same?”

Reconciliation is possible, but it is not automatic. Relationships require trust, and trust must be rebuilt. In some cases—where abuse, manipulation, or toxicity is present—the best and healthiest course of action is to forgive from a distance.

Forgiveness means releasing yourself from the quest for revenge. It does not mean putting yourself back in harm’s way.

3. Forgiveness is not forgetting or a feeling.

We may think that the presence of painful memories or difficult feelings is a sign we’ve not truly forgiven someone. Forgiveness is not a feeling and it’s not forgetting. It’s a decision and action you make. 

Seventy times seven – you may have to forgive a person over and over again. Sometimes we replay the event and the harm in our minds and we demean the person, harm them in our imagination, and sometimes go over the line. The pain the other person has caused controls us, has power over us.

Forgiveness releases you, yourself, from that quest. You remind yourself, “No, I’m not seeking retaliation or retribution. God, I give this hurt and harm to you and ask for your healing because this hurt is a burden, and I want to be free.” 

4. Forgiveness is not about how the other person responds.

That’s the grace and goodness of Christian forgiveness. Imagine someone hurts you and then you approach them and say, “What you did is wrong. Admit it.”

No. I didn’t do anything wrong and if I did, you deserve it.

Not true. I didn’t deserve it. 

So.

In that scenario, the person who harmed you will always have power over you. Forgiveness is not about proving the other person wrong or guilty. Forgiveness lets you claim your agency back: what you did hurt me – full stop. Forgiveness cuts the emotional weight that person has over you. It frees you to act in your own best interest. 

And, this means, we can forgive people even when they are not in our presence. You can forgive without ever being face-to-face with that person. Forgiveness is an act you take. It’s not up to them whether or not you forgive them.

Since forgiveness is about us and our decision not to hate, retaliate, or seek retribution, we are free to forgive anyone at any time, even if they are no longer living.

You cannot control the past. I wish you could so you would not have been hurt in that way, but you get to decide who influences your future: the person who harmed you or the God who loves you.

Some people will never admit they are wrong. Some will. You will explain how their actions hurt you and they will cry and say sorry and ask how they can make the relationship better. In that instance, forgiveness saved the relationship.

And there are some who will leverage their meanness and callousness or their power over you. They do not care if you forgive them or not. In that instance, forgiveness cuts you lose from their disregard.

If you are basing your future and happiness on their response, you could spend the rest of your life being miserable. But thank God, Christ gave us the gift of forgiveness so we can cut ourselves free from such a weight.

Conclusion

So where does that leave us?

We serve a God who “pardons iniquity and passes over transgression” (Micah 7:18). A God who, rather than making us pay, took our debts and paid them.

Forgiveness is costly. It is hard. But it is the way of Jesus.

The Roman Empire and other folks had power over Jesus. They thought they could strip him of dignity and humanity through verbal and physical abuse. They tried and failed because, through the power of forgiveness, he kept his agency and his ability to choose what kind of person he was going to be.

And in one of the sayings from the cross he is making this clear: “No, not even your behavior toward me will take my power away. I will not become what hurt me. I forgive you. Father, forgive them.” In other words, “I wish you no harm. I will not pay in kind.”

What an amazing God we serve! On the cross, through Jesus, God is saying, “No matter what you say or think about me and no matter what you do to me, I forgive you.” 

The cross stands against everything within us and this world that says, “More harm will make it right.”

Imagine what you’ve been forgiven by God. Imagine the debts you have been forgiven. Imagine the times when God made deposits into the relationship even when you were disinterested, inattentive, avoidant, and sometimes even aggressively against – yet God absorbed the debt so the relationship would not end.

Are you burdened by the debt of others? Do you want to be free of the burden of retaliation or payback? Are you stuck with pain that replays itself over and over again and you want to be able to step outside of that cycle? 

Christ demonstrates for us the power of forgiveness.

The hardest word to learn is forgive but after forgiveness we find freedom. 

May this difficult lesson from Jesus have a home in our hearts. May God bless you as you forgive. Amen.